Having a brother or sister with mental illness, can have a profound affect on a person's own well-being and way of relating to others. Indeed, it is clear from research that siblings, because of their experiences, can develop certain tendencies that may impact their way of being in the world right now. Specifically, seven clear tendencies have emerged and they are each highlighted below. They are brought to life with real quotes from the siblings who took part in the study (where names are mentioned they have been changed). As a sibling, you may like to read about these tendencies to consider whether any of these tendencies resonate with you. There are also specific recommendations of things you may find helpful going forward if they do.

2.   Difficulties with conflict resolution

"Any conflict sends this physical response into my body...I don’t have the words or I feel overwhelmed by my reaction to it, and it stops me from then articulating and saying how I feel"

It is very common for adult siblings to express difficulty with conflict resolution. Many report being hyper-vigilant around their partner's mood; overly watching for signs that their partner isn't happy of may by angry about something. For many, when conflict occurs, the situations trigger a deeply embodied response and a desire to withdraw due to emotional flooding. This is often accompanied by an inability to verbalise a response. This happens when the 'fight or flight' response is triggered and we switch into 'survival' mode. Something 'well siblings' will often have as a learnt response from their childhood. In addition,

"I used to always have this dialogue going on in my brain and yet never actually verbalise the flipping thing! I never actually, so it was almost like I was having the argument or the conflict in my brain, making it worse, imagining what it could be like, but in reality, it probably would never have been anything like that, but I never had, never was, able to verbalise what the problems were"

Additionally, some siblings report a tendency to be passive aggressive. This occurs because whilst it can seem too difficult to deal with a situation head on and so instead frustration or upset is held and expressed indirectly (through words or actions) but without directly addressing the issue. Finally, some siblings report that they will, eventually, “erupt”, “blow” or “flip” when the inner noise simply became too much to contain: their suppressed anger being expressed loudly, suddenly and uncontrollably, rather as a child would express it. This regression is, in many ways, understandable; the pressure to be 'good' as children and to not cause trouble, can leave a person without the way or words to express their anger or frustration clearly and succinctly. There can also be a strong sense of responsibility to make things better.

"If he’s angry with me, I'd just try to like, take the blame for anything and then make him feel better, even if it’s not my fault"

After conflict occurs, adult siblings can also feel an overwhelming urge to make thing alright with the other person as soon as they can. This urgency can lead to them taking responsibility for something that is not theirs to take responsibility for, or moving on from something without any real discussion or 'repair.' This results in the issue remaining unresolved, meaning the same issue comes up time after time. Adult siblings can also have the tendency to 'block out' the details of the argument and find it incredibly hard to recall of the details of the disagreement. All of these are learnt ways of coping in childhood, ways that are not always helpful in adulthood.

Tips if this resonates with you:  It is helpful to hold that some conflict is inevitable when we are close to another person; we will, at times, see things differently, miscommunicate or simply be feeling irritable. What matters when there has been a 'rupture' between two people, is that a 'repair' takes place. When both parties are calm, talking through what happened is crucially important. When we talk through frustrations and difficulties, stating our own understandings and listening to the other person's, it facilitates new understandings and growth for both people and for their relationship. If you experience overwhelm in response to raised voices or perceived potential conflict, take time to ground yourself (with time out if needed), remind yourself you have the right to your opinion and practise stating your truth clearly and honestly. Remember that 'ruptures' need not be catastrophic and 'repairs' are the responsibility of both parties. In the Further Resources section of this website see the following books: The Body Keeps the Score and The Chimp Paradox.

"I try and keep everything, everyone together and everything working and you know, take on everything...that’s my problem, I can’t say 'no.'"

“I worry about what people think a lot, I’m a people-pleaser, I do worry about what people think. I don’t like people thinking bad of me or anything like that, so I always say ‘yes,’ even to people I don’t really care about."

Many adult siblings find it incredibly difficult to be assertive; instead they can feel a need to be what others want them to be (even when those others are not of huge personal significance to them) with little reference to their own needs, wants or desires. Thus, many adult siblings report an inability to say 'no' to things they really don’t have the time, or even the inclination, to do. This is often inextricably linked to wanting to please others, be liked and do the 'right' thing. The personal cost of this is giving too much of themselves to others and then being left feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and, at times, resentful.

There is a tendency for siblings to need everyone else to be okay before they can feel okay themselves and this can hinder their ability to put boundaries in place to protect themselves or their time. Indeed, siblings can find it hard to stand up for themselves both in terms of how others may treat them and in terms of protecting their time. This can result in 'well sibling' not ring-fencing time for their own interests or their own self-care. Indeed,  'well siblings' tend to be very good at identifying the needs of others but are not good at all at identifying their own needs.

Tips if this resonates with you: Start by making a list of all of the things you wish you had time to do for yourself;  those things you hope to do 'one day' when you are not so busy. Give yourself time to think about how you are spending your time and on whom and think about what things you wish were not in your diary.  Remember that when we say 'yes' to something we are always saying 'no' to something else (i.e. spending precious time doing things you are longing to do, relaxing or spending time with your loved ones). When someone asks you to do something always catch yourself before you jump in with a 'yes' and, instead, give yourself a 'buffer' (time to think about whether it is something you truly want to spend your time doing). Instead, say you will get back to them or, if it is something you immediately know you do not want to do, practice responding with a polite but firm 'no, sorry, I can't.'  Remember your time on this planet is finite and it is crucial you spend it wisely doing what truly matters to you. Assertiveness is a skill we can, and should, all learn. In the Further Resources section of this website see the following books: Assertiveness training, Please Yourself andThe Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**K.

4.   Underlying anxiety and rumination

"I literally get myself in a cycle of worry...I’m not a negative person but I’ll always look at the worst-case scenario first"

“It’s a physical anxiety there, that’s, I live with that feeling of, and it’s a feeling before I can even put words to it”

Unsurprisingly perhaps, adult siblings themselves have an elevated risk of experiencing their own mental health issues. They can experience feelings of guilt, anger, shame, fear, disappointment, suspicion and hostility from childhood through into adulthood and yet they can, at times, struggle to understand, or give themselves time to process and deal with, these emotions. Siblings can have fears of speaking up, of getting things wrong and, sometimes, of trusting others. All of these fears can create chronic and enduring anxiety and a tendency to ruminate or overthink things.

"It was like, 'Oh, well, Kelly’s alright, she’s fine.' but in reality, I was having all this inner anxiety that I still suffer with daily. I mean, it’s not debilitating, I crack on, but I’m very aware of it, I try not to project it”

During their childhood, because of the difficulties their brother or sister with mental illness faced, siblings' own emotional struggles can, sometimes, go unnoticed. This can leave a sibling with a sense that their own struggles are not important and do not need much acknowledgement. Indeed, many adult 'well siblings' themselves perceive these feelings and behaviours as 'bizarre,' 'ridiculous' and 'not me' and, in doing so, dismiss them as unimportant and insignificant.  Siblings can, therefore, struggle to acknowledge their own mental health needs, feeling, instead, that they must be strong, keep going and not burden others with their struggles, even those close to them.

Tips if this resonates with you:  If you experience regular feelings of anxiety or, indeed, any difficult emotions, the first step is to acknowledge them and share how you may be feeling with someone you trust. Just sharing our worries with someone who will truly listen helps us to make sense of our anxiety and reduces the internal rumination. Remember anxiety is a future based activity so is normally a 'what if' question.  When you are feeling anxious, bring yourself back to the 'now' with grounding and calming techniques (reminding yourself that everything in this moment is okay), consider the real chances of the thing you are worrying about actually happening (of course it may but anxiety hugely exaggerates the chances!) and, lastly, answer the 'what if' question; give yourself a plan of action and trust that you can, and will, deal with whatever happens. Finally, some siblings can suffer from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of their experiences. Relational trauma occurs when there is consistent disruption of a child's sense of being safe and loved within their family.  Whether you feel you are suffering from anxiety or may be suffering from PTSD, it is worth considering having some psychotherapy. In the Further Resources section of this website see the books: The Body Keeps the Score and The Chimp Paradox.

5.   A specific way of thinking

Adult siblings of those with mental illness have a tendency towards both 'binary' and 'omnipotent' thinking. Both of these are defence mechanisms that can develop during childhood and adolescence and can remain, as a way of thinking, through into adulthood. Defence mechanisms are behaviours people use to separate themselves from unpleasant events, actions, or thoughts. They give us a sense of certainty and of being more in control. These particular defences, or ways of thinking, have an accompanying denial of the needs of the self and lack of trust in self and others.

Binary thinking:  When we have very black and white (all or nothing) thinking.

"Almost one of my roles was to be a nice child against a naughty child...I never would have gone off the rails or anything like that." 

"I genuinely feel desperately sad for my mum because she’s always been the sweetest, nicest woman."

With binary thinking a person defines situations in extreme terms, regularly using words such as always, never, totally, anything, everything, everybody and nobody. These words highlight that person's tendency to think in very concrete, black or white, terms. This can restrict our ability to see the 'grey areas' of any given situation and restricts our flexibility of thought. Binary thinking also limits our ability to hold that we are all complex beings capable of all sorts of different behaviours and thoughts. Indeed, it impairs our ability to figure out what may be going on and can result in an unrealistic view or the world and others. 

Omnipotent thinking:  When we believe we have the power to change things simply by our actions or thinking.

“I would be worried that I would say the wrong thing, that it would then cause upset, it would then cause distance, that would then end the relationship.”

“I snapped, totally wrong, that was my problem...if I’d been more able to be assertive then I would have, a situation like that wouldn’t have happened, I would have been able to just kind of stop it.”

Omnipotent thinking is a defence mechanism that protects us from feelings of vulnerability. Adult siblings' narratives often reveal a fantasy of having unrealistic power over situations they face; they often have a belief that they can change, or control, what is happening around them, simply by changing their thinking or behaviour.

With omnipotent thinking, the experience of self and others is divided into 'good' and 'bad' so someone with this way of thinking will idealise (attribute overly positive qualities) or devalue (attributing overly negative qualities) to either themselves or others. Whilst omnipotent control helps a child cope with difficult feelings and circumstances, it can, if not resolved, cause suffering in adulthood. This suffering comes from the accompanying denial of the emotional and psychological needs of the self. Whilst many adults with omnipotent thinking appear, in many ways, to do well in their lives, there is an underlying difficulty in allowing themselves to feel vulnerable in relationships and an impaired capacity to trust the themselves and others.

Tips if this resonates with you:  It is helpful to pay attention to how we are processing difficult, or challenging, situations. Having an ear on both our 'inner dialogue' and our 'outer narrative,' helps us catch ourselves when we are thinking in extreme terms. Practice developing more nuanced thinking by resisting the urge to divide matters one way or another and challenging yourself to see the middle ground, in order to develop a more realistic picture of the world. Questioning whether, for example, things really are always, totally, never etc.  In addition, it is helpful to recognise that no-one is wholly good or bad, right or wrong, whether we are thinking of ourselves or others. More nuanced thinking allows us to hold more helpful understandings of the world; for example, that we, and others, make mistakes, that we do not have to be perfect, that everyone is capable of doing both good and bad things and that an argument with our partner is not, necessarily, catastrophic.

6.   Self reliance and a difficulty showing vulnerability

“It comes down to this vulnerability and that I can’t, I just can’t put myself, I keep saying can’t, I don’t want to put myself in that position...I don’t want to be vulnerable."

As we have already seen, adult siblings can struggle with showing vulnerability (or even allowing themselves to feel vulnerable).  They also have a tendency to withdraw when things don't go well in a relationship and can immediately look for the ‘exit’ route when upset.

"I’m fiercely independent, yeah, moved out of home when I was 19...I just see relationships as hurt, and isn’t that awful? I do though, potential pain, that’s how I see it"

"I just like peace and quiet, I like to choose what I want to do, I feel like I can develop more as a person by myself, I feel like the relationship is in direct opposition to that."   

"When I’m stressed, I imagine being in a little cottage just with my kids and my dogs”

Many adult siblings of those with mental illness display some elements of what is known as an avoidant attachment style. It can be helpful, for everyone, to consider how their attachment styles, developed during childhood, may impact their relationships. There are three main attachment styles as follows:

Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back.
Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimise closeness.
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

Siblings, then, with their tendency towards an avoidant style, can find it hard to commit to relationships, tend to have a desire to be self-reliant (even within a relationship) and tend to withdraw from their partners when things don’t go well. When an individual has this attachment style they can find it uncomfortable being close to others, can find it difficult to trust or allow themselves to depend on the other person and can feel nervous when anyone gets too close. They also often feel others want to be more intimate than they feel comfortable being. It is helpful to think of this in terms of a continuum, from having a slight 'flavour' of an avoidant style to a very strong fear of intimacy and connection.

Importantly, though, because of this and other difficulties already mentioned (i.e. the difficulty with being assertive, the struggle with conflict resolution and the accompanying sense of hyper-vigilance around their partners’ moods) many siblings hold a belief that a life lived alone could be, or is, psychologically and emotionally safer and easier. The resurgence of an old belief, perhaps, that they can only truly rely on themselves.

Tips if this resonates with you: The good news is that, if we do have an insecure attachment style (for whatever reason), we can acquire, through positive relational experiences, what is known as 'earned' secure attachment  (this is when someone finds it relatively easy to get close to others and is comfortable depending on another and being depended upon themselves). Whether you are in a relationship you wish to improve or are not in a relationship but would like to be, it can be really helpful to recognise your attachments style.  In particular, it is helpful to make sense of your childhood and gain an understanding of how those life experiences may have shaped you. This can sometimes cause us pain but making sense of what we perhaps didn't get, because of the circumstances we found ourselves in, is crucially important as it allows an integrated understanding which we can take into a relationship (either with a partner, a close friend or a therapist) and establish a new experience of relating to another. In the Further Resources section of this website see the book: Attached.

7. Competence and capability

"I thought if I get good A Level results, then I’d get into a good uni, and then I’ll get a good degree...I was just constantly seeking proof that I was clever enough and able enough, and I could be by myself and be okay"

Research shows that some siblings of those with mental illness experience what is known as post traumatic growth (PTG). PTG is, a positive psychological change which comes about as a result of the struggle with challenging life circumstances. PTG allows for the identification of new possibilities or a purpose in life.

Indeed, many adult siblings are capable and competent advocates for others. In addition, they feel they can be relied on in a crisis and tend to function well in their chosen careers. Interestingly, despite finding it hard sometimes to be assertive for themselves in their personal lives, siblings are often very able to be assertive on behalf of others and to act as advocates, be that in a work capacity or on behalf of loved ones. This, of course, is likely to be something that is very familiar to many from their own childhoods when advocating or protecting their brother or sister with mental illness.

"I’m great in a crisis...if all the shit hits the fan, then I’m the one in there making sure everybody’s dealt with, that you’ve spoken to this person. I’m good from that point of view"

All of these tendencies demonstrate what can be thought of as the adult version of the parentified child.  Many siblings experience themselves as hardworking, focused and reliable individuals who believe they can survive whatever life throws at them. They have maintained, throughout their lives, a belief that they are, indeed, 'good,' 'strong' and 'capable' and, in line with this, they hold a sense of capability, see themselves as problem solvers and feel able to be relied upon in a crisis.  All of these, of course, are the messages these siblings have been given, as children, from their childhood families as they grew up. Nonetheless, 'well siblings' feel their ability to be independent serves them well. Indeed, there is often an understandable sense of pride in their ability to manage whatever it is they have to deal with and enjoyment of the fact they feel more than capable of relying upon themselves.

Tips if this resonates with you: It is great to recognise your strengths and to know that you are a capable and competent problem solver in times of crisis. Beware of feeling, however, that you have to be superhuman and that you have to always be the one who fights for others. There are times when others can, and will, step forward if you leave them the space to do so. Recognise that you, like everyone, have a finite amount of both time and energy; pick up on the things that truly matter to you but do not feel you have to be everything to everyone at all times. You have the right for a life too. In the further Resources Section of this website see the books: Please Yourself and The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**K.

Conclusion

Give yourself time and space to consider whether any of these tendencies resonate with you and, if some or all of them do, consider what support you may benefit from going forward. If you feel you need to reconnect with your true-self, allow yourself time to do the work and the reflecting you need to so that you can re-build trust in yourself, in others and in the life process itself and, in doing so, enjoy an authentic, assertive and deeply connected experience of life.